re-igniting an old flame
My summer has been very interesting, to say the VERY least. Strange happenings... exciting happenings!! I was married for almost eight years... I don't remember life ever being as interesting during my married life... or as heart-wrenching...
Date: Thu, 12 Aug 2004 19:23:18 -0700 (PDT)
From: Dee
Subject: blue thursday
To: Mel
Hi Mel.... just thought I'd drop you a note while I'm waiting for the clock to tick to 5pm... so I can go home. What a day!!! I have been SO blue and teary-eyed all day, it's the partly because of the weather. I talked to Sher on our cell phones this morning on our way to work, and she said the same thing.... we're both SO tired and blue this week. It's been chilly and cloudy all week. WHERE is summer, dammit??
Also.... the strangest thing.... my life never ceases to be dramatic... by chance, I ran into an old flame from 14 years ago... Joe. He's a big-wig for the County Highway Dept out here, and we had a pretty serious relationship back then. But he's so much older than me... I was 22 then... he was 34. For various reasons, we broke it off, on very good terms... I was just SO young and had growing up to do, and my two eldest kids were just babies then. But after we broke it off, he said if we were both single in ten years, we'd get married. He had loved me SO much, but the timing was off [he'd just gotten divorced], and he wasn't ready to raise babies with me.
Well, I saw him the other day and he about fell over himself when he saw me!!! It was emotional, almost like we'd just broken up last week or something!!! We exchanged emails and phone numbers and had an on-going email conversation all day yesterday... about how I'd been the love of his life, and how ours was the best relationship of his entire life... and giving me up had been one of the biggest mistakes of his life.... etc.... etc....
BUT [and there's always a *BUT* these days, in my life of being single...]... he's engaged!!! He says the relationship is not happy, and is very rocky... Regardless, he feels loyalty to her, and I respect him for that. Here in this email, I can't accurately express the emotion he showed me, and how easily he could just drop everything and run to me and start a passionate love affair right here and now, but he doesn't want me or ANYONE to get hurt -- it wouldn't be right or fair. Unbeknownst to me... he had sought me out a few years ago, only to hear from my brother that I was happily married.... so he said he'd let go and moved on with his life.
I just can't believe how this just happened so suddenly... this sudden emotional avalanche!! We were on the phone last night talking about things for about two hours, and he had me just sobbing by the end of the phonecall. This man is pouring his heart and soul out to me, and the timing just SUCKS!!!!!!!! We talked alot about my marriage and how it ended so horribly, and about the sadness of losing a spouse, and about his relationship with his fiancee... and the very fond memories of the two of US, and we agreed they were all happy times... we had GREAT times together back then. We were amazing companions.... and I got so sad when Joe told me about all the stuff he and his fiancee do together now, and about their life.... all the things that I'm missing with him - it was very close to being *me* in those shoes.
So anyway, we decided we can't see eachother... not even for coffee or ANYTHING. He would HAVE to be with me if he started spending any kind of time with me. Damn!!! For him, the old feelings never went away. I totally respect him.... that he can show this kind of restraint for the sake of this woman he's engaged to. She's a lucky gal. I wish I'd never run into him!!!!! But then again, it WAS good to see him... SO confusing! I had always wondered what happened to him. He asked how I've been all these years, and he is SO proud of me, of everything I've accomplished!!! I had nothing when I met him, and I was struggling and dirt poor. Him being proud of me made me cry too. Dammit.
Anyway, just another chapter..... and I hope this chapter is CLOSED. He's out of town this weekend, so he has time to think, and I have time to not talk to him, and to let the shock wear off. Can you believe the drama that IS my life???
Write me soon.... miss you, love you!!
Dee
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home